Virginity - a subject for pride or not
Then the time has passed when it is usually made out of curiosity. Therefore, somehow, unnoticed by active study, self-development, self-knowledge, the time has come when, according to modern canons, society already has questions: what is wrong with it, because 22 years already?
It seems to me that my main problem is that I do not live by feelings, I do not have the ease and a certain amount of madness inherent in young girls. I calculate each of my decisions or actions five steps ahead, in my head I build logical chains and the possible further development of each of the events. If I meet a man, then I begin to analyze him on all counts: what kind of spouse will he be for me? Can something teach our children? Will I feel safe with him? Is he reliable, promising, educated, adequate, and well-ordered? And if on some of the points it does not pass - stop the communication.
I absolutely do not need a temporary relationship or meeting only for sex.That is, it is important for me to understand that a man considers me as a future spouse, as the mother of his children, as a faithful and reliable companion of life. Only in this case, I begin to look at it and try to understand whether it's mine.
Attention from the opposite sex a lot, yes. But I immediately, in a rude manner, stop those men who, in my opinion, do not want to burden themselves with serious relations and are looking for meetings with me just for the sake of sexual contact. I do not talk about it directly, I simply end the communication. And most of these men around me. So I myself explained why until the age of 22 I did not have men.
Probably, it is still important to note that I did not specifically keep my innocence for my husband, and the preconceptions that I must marry while being virginal are not close to me. As an almost accomplished physician, I know that there may be discrepancies in sex at a physiological level, not to mention the difference in temperament and sexual preferences. But nevertheless, for something I am looking for exactly long-term, stable relations with the prospect of marriage.
But I admit the thought that in the future I may have an unlimited number of men,but with all of them the above scheme must be observed, that is, it is important for me to understand that for a man I am not a temporary hobby
It is terrible from how people perceive me like them. "Virginity - as an advantage and pride of the girl, her uniqueness and charm" and "Virginity - this is unnecessary problems, the unwillingness of a man to take responsibility, the unwillingness to become sober, teach her something, and generally to breed for a long time." More and more men with whom we discussed this topic, adhere to the second point of view.
In this regard, the constant struggle inside and the misunderstanding of what is for me: a reason for pride or shame? "
If to understand, on virginity there are only two polar views. The first one asserts that the girl is meant for one man and should keep her virginity just for him; the second one denies the correctness of such a unique choice and suggests experimenting with different partners in order to “choose the best”.
Both approaches are correct, but often misused. I'll try to explain.
The first look, as a rule, is peculiar to various religious doctrines.It is based on the fact that marriages are made once in heaven. This is a kind of biblical projection: God creates Eve, intending it to Adam. In occultism, man and woman are once a single individual, later divided, so we perceive some marriages as a divine union. Sometimes an additional proof of its truth is considered to be the presence of a woman's hymen in a woman (it practically does not occur in the animal world).
In fact, the approach is very correct, because it provides that the girl finds an “exclusive” partner with whom she spends her whole life. However, in practice this approach is most often distorted. Usually, a girl is looking for a bridegroom for various authorities (parents, spiritual gurus, etc.), or they are looking for a partner based on various indicators: faith, nationality, age, wealth, etc. That is, they choose not with feelings, but with reason. But the point of this approach is to choose the “divine” and, therefore, to use the “divine tools”.
I would call the second approach experienced. The girl in the period from 14 to 21 years old rehearses sex. In the previous 7-year period she tries herself in communications, and in the next she will be realized in marriage.This means that through trial and error, it collects information about various partners, compares and enters the third dozen ready for marriage.
In my work, I constantly find confirmation of this when clients come to me who have difficulty in communicating with the opposite sex. If during the specified period, due to external circumstances or influences, they were deprived of the opportunity to rehearse when they find themselves in an adult environment, they experience difficulties. They simply do not know what to do.
Ironically, the pitfalls are in the practicality of this approach. First, many people really cannot stop, because, on the one hand, sex and relationships become a drug, and on the other, they depreciate. It’s like eating caviar for breakfast, lunch and dinner - very soon it will turn into a regular dish from a delicacy. Here, other traps are waiting for those gaining experience, which list does not make sense - too many of them.
Now let's go to the problem described in the letter. I have little information, so if I come up with something, do not judge me. True, my notions are based on experience, because people ... such people.
The girl writes that she does not seem to know where this position came from, but for me it is quite obvious from where. It's parents. Maybe they did not tell her anything, but the model was transferred.Here her remark is interesting - “I did not consider the model of relations of parents ideal,” I would paraphrase: she did not like and was not close to the model of relations of her parents. Of course, after all, most likely, one of them chose according to similar criteria. I suppose that the marriage they have enough bland.
While reading the letter, I kept thinking: when will she say about the thrill, butterflies in the stomach or a cute image to the eyes? Instead, the inventory list is "Where are your warehouse for men?" Give it away! "That is, where you have to choose by feelings, the heroine of the letter chooses with the mind
Pay attention to the following opportunity: feelings are something difficult to control, and now, let's say, you meet a man who sees you, immediately falls in love and longs for. So what? You decide that he is a dirty animal. A curtain.
Most likely, the heroine of the letter will find such a reliable guy with the same reasonable views and heal with him in a “strong pair”. Yes, a little sad, but guaranteed. No, I do not consider these "reasonable, strong pairs" something negative. So lives the vast majority of people. Perhaps this is even a better form than passionate-emotional alliances, since it is stronger.And if you consider the main purpose of a person to create a strong family - and more natural.
What to do?
Pay attention to the main thing:
First of all, 22 years is not old age at all ...
Secondly, I think, the heroine of the letter needs to moderate his claims. This does not mean that you have to run into bed with the first comer or marry a beggar. But I would give men more chances in her place. I would advise the girl to observe her actions more carefully: what are her criteria? Are they all critical for her? What can be changed or removed? How does she reject men? How could she make her actions softer? What could be some kind of credit of trust? It is possible that someone will be able to break through her "armor."
I do not know, maybe the heroine of the letter will meet her man, as she expects - immediately and for the rest of her life, or maybe she will have to rehearse. In my opinion, none of the approaches is the only possible one. In this case, it seems to me very reasonable to begin to act on the contrary, to do something differently. Then you can get polar results.
Finally, I want to say that this world is much more complicated than our ideas about it. On the one hand, this means the possibility of mistakes, but on the other - a lot of interesting discoveries.